Get over yourself

I have a confession to make. I’m a very selfish person. It really struck me when I was a young teenager. My dad had asked me to help him with a job. I grew bored quickly and made it clear to him that I would rather be doing something else. He became frustrated with me and told me to go away. I told my mother what had happened, and my mother, who is always so quick to praise me and tell me how proud she is of me, told me something I wasn’t prepared for. She said, “You know, you really are selfish.”

I was stunned. I had to think about what had just happened. I thought I had it sort of figured out, but it really wasn’t until many years later that I truly understood. I had to raise a son of my own to truly understand that my dad had really only asked me to help him because he wanted my company as a son and he wanted me to understand that not everything is excitement and adventure. We were doing a chore that might not have been critical but was important. My dad just wanted some dad/son time with me and I was only thinking about what I wanted.

Even though I learned an important lesson from that event, I’m still a selfish person. I have to work at caring about other people. I do love them, and that comes easily, but to express my love and do things for them that a selfless person should do, I have to work at it because so often I’m thinking about myself – my pains, my work, the things that I want out of life, etc. I’ve found, though, that the richness in my life comes when I put these things aside. My son is the easiest example of this. I don’t have to work too hard to see that his needs are met and that I don’t judge his actions. I make sure he knows I’m ready if he ever needs me, and he’s taken me up on that understanding.

It’s not so easy to let go of my selfishness for other people who aren’t as close to me. My coworkers are a good example of this type of person. I know I can show that I care in subtle ways, by filling in for them when they need time off, no questions asked, by buying them lunch once in a while without expectation of a returned favor, by talking to them about personal issues and sharing some of my experiences. I let my coworkers know that I am glad to be working with them and that they are important to me.

I have the hardest time acting selflessly around strangers. I fear that the homeless man with his hand extended will only buy more alcohol if I give him money (and I’m probably right, at least part of the time). But I do seek opportunities to help, by donating my extras (I gave a car and a fair amount of cash to charity last year), by looking a homeless person in the eye and treating her/him like a person (and occasionally offering suggestions like where to go to get food and shelter). A couple of days ago, I bought a coworker lunch, but the restaurant gave us too much food, so we were carrying it back to work. A man asked if I had any food to spare, and I handed him the bag. What’s he going to do with it besides eat it, anyway?

I realize I have a long way to go on this. It’s an issue I will have to work on for the rest of my life. It’s an issue that I hope to work on after my death (I’m an organ donor). But if I didn’t work on it, try to be more caring and altruistic, I would spend all my time thinking about how unfair life is and wondering why I don’t have a better job and better pay, and why my neighbor is driving a nicer car than I do because, damn it, I work hard too.