Profound
I would love to write something meaningful every day, but today I’m struggling a bit to put the jumbled pieces into some sort of order.
Today was an absolutely beautiful day. It was sunny and warm. People at work were friendly, and I was in a terrific mood.
My wife (who I “left” in February) called and invited me over to eat some authentic Chinese food. Have I mentioned that I still love my wife? Have I said that love isn’t always enough to keep a relationship together? I was married for 16+ years to this woman, but more than half of that was spent trying to understand why she behaved as if I was a detestable, worthless husband. She wouldn’t even speak to me for years at a time. I haven’t made love to her (or any woman) for a decade now *edit: gee, looking back at this post a few minutes later, I realize how pathetically redundant I've become — I know, enough about the no-sex thing*. And now, after I leave her, she starts acting like this wonderful woman I married.
But I’ve been down this road before. I almost left her when my son was 16 because she was treating both of us the same way. Nothing to say to us unless she was angry. But I stayed because she promised to change and she agreed to counseling and she started taking Paxil. That lasted about a year. And then the silence seeped in again. I was sent to Iraq (I did not volunteer; Uncle Sam sent me) and when I came back, the silence resumed. I decided, after hundreds of rockets and mortars, that life is too short to live with the silent treatment. After I got back, I tried and tried to get her to speak with me, but she wouldn’t. So I left.
Now she’s this wonderful person again, and I’m glad. I like to be with her. I like to be able to see my dogs, who are like children to me. But I feel like she’s trying to win me over again. I love her, and I know that love is forever – but marriage isn’t. I feel strongly that if I was to give her yet another chance that things would end up the same again, and I’ve given her everything. Literally. I gave her all of our savings and the house (worth almost half a million) in exchange for a clean break. And now she wants me back? I love her and I hope she will always see me as a great friend, but I cannot see myself staying married to her. I left in February and I agreed to a year of separation. As far as I can tell, I will be a single man come next February.
So I got back in my van after visiting her, cranked up the stereo and went back to the apartment where I’m living for this year (I’ll buy again next year, after I’ve had time to save some money and collect myself). I got home, and two wasps were flying around in the living room. There must be nest in the vent somewhere, because I’ve killed half a dozen of these damned things now, and I know they’re not flying in through the door.
I killed them, and then I mixed a vodka with mango/orange juice. I hate having to kill anything, and to kill two creatures and then waste their bodies like this…. Now I’ve consumed the alcohol, and definitely feeling it.
I have received some good music over the last couple of days, though. Another Portishead CD, the sound track for Dracula 2000 (movie was kinda lame, but the music was decent), a CD by Jocelyn Pook (if you’re not familiar with her but have seen Tom Cruise in Eyes Wide Shut, her music was played at the costume ball), and a CD by Switchblade Symphony (Goth like a razor blade, and I love it).
So here I sit, a bit intoxicated and happy to have the music. But I know I will be single, and it eats me up that my wife doesn’t seem to understand that fact. Nothing profound about it: I just don’t want to hurt her.
Today was an absolutely beautiful day. It was sunny and warm. People at work were friendly, and I was in a terrific mood.
My wife (who I “left” in February) called and invited me over to eat some authentic Chinese food. Have I mentioned that I still love my wife? Have I said that love isn’t always enough to keep a relationship together? I was married for 16+ years to this woman, but more than half of that was spent trying to understand why she behaved as if I was a detestable, worthless husband. She wouldn’t even speak to me for years at a time. I haven’t made love to her (or any woman) for a decade now *edit: gee, looking back at this post a few minutes later, I realize how pathetically redundant I've become — I know, enough about the no-sex thing*. And now, after I leave her, she starts acting like this wonderful woman I married.
But I’ve been down this road before. I almost left her when my son was 16 because she was treating both of us the same way. Nothing to say to us unless she was angry. But I stayed because she promised to change and she agreed to counseling and she started taking Paxil. That lasted about a year. And then the silence seeped in again. I was sent to Iraq (I did not volunteer; Uncle Sam sent me) and when I came back, the silence resumed. I decided, after hundreds of rockets and mortars, that life is too short to live with the silent treatment. After I got back, I tried and tried to get her to speak with me, but she wouldn’t. So I left.
Now she’s this wonderful person again, and I’m glad. I like to be with her. I like to be able to see my dogs, who are like children to me. But I feel like she’s trying to win me over again. I love her, and I know that love is forever – but marriage isn’t. I feel strongly that if I was to give her yet another chance that things would end up the same again, and I’ve given her everything. Literally. I gave her all of our savings and the house (worth almost half a million) in exchange for a clean break. And now she wants me back? I love her and I hope she will always see me as a great friend, but I cannot see myself staying married to her. I left in February and I agreed to a year of separation. As far as I can tell, I will be a single man come next February.
So I got back in my van after visiting her, cranked up the stereo and went back to the apartment where I’m living for this year (I’ll buy again next year, after I’ve had time to save some money and collect myself). I got home, and two wasps were flying around in the living room. There must be nest in the vent somewhere, because I’ve killed half a dozen of these damned things now, and I know they’re not flying in through the door.
I killed them, and then I mixed a vodka with mango/orange juice. I hate having to kill anything, and to kill two creatures and then waste their bodies like this…. Now I’ve consumed the alcohol, and definitely feeling it.
I have received some good music over the last couple of days, though. Another Portishead CD, the sound track for Dracula 2000 (movie was kinda lame, but the music was decent), a CD by Jocelyn Pook (if you’re not familiar with her but have seen Tom Cruise in Eyes Wide Shut, her music was played at the costume ball), and a CD by Switchblade Symphony (Goth like a razor blade, and I love it).
So here I sit, a bit intoxicated and happy to have the music. But I know I will be single, and it eats me up that my wife doesn’t seem to understand that fact. Nothing profound about it: I just don’t want to hurt her.
posted by Louis at 9:37 AM
1 Comments:
Unfortunately, I have not been to Pakistan, though I had a childhood friend, whose name was Ednaan (I may not be spelling it correctly), who was from Pakistan. I have only been to Iraq in your part of the world.
I don't think she really understands the silence. I think she has something in common with Lindsey's mom. Perhaps depression. I am moving on as best I can, but I agreed to wait a year (her request).
Thanks for your posts
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