Sin

I was running last week, and running is usually a good experience because it provides me with an opportunity to meditate. On this occasion, I was contemplating correlations between Christianity and Buddhism. It’s interesting to note that, since I began studying Buddhism I’ve come to understand a good deal more about Christianity. During this run, I had such an inspiration.

I was thinking about sin, and how I didn’t believe in “original” sin, which is (as my understanding goes) the concept that we are born sinners. I haven’t really had a problem with the concept of all people becoming sinners, as I don’t know anyone who has never committed some sort of violation. If you believe in any part of the 10 commandments, consider the one that goes something like, “Thou shalt not kill.” It doesn’t say you shouldn’t kill a family member. It doesn’t even say you shouldn’t kill another human being. Most of us have killed some sort of being, whether it was an insect or some other animal killed deliberately or vicariously by eating some animal product or by having an accident. I am at least partially responsible for the deaths of thousands of creatures, including (but not limited to) cows, pigs, chickens, ostriches, lizards, snakes, people, deer, skunk, rabbits, cats, frogs, fish and countless insects, just to name a few.

But the killing of other beings, as horrible as it is, is just a part of the depth of our sins. And, in fact, through our connection to other beings, we are responsible to some degree for all the sins committed in the world, including the most heinous such as genocide. Because we are unable or unwilling to prevent such crimes, we share in the responsibility for them.

It’s easy to think that we have no part in such atrocities. Many would argue against my supposition even that we are inextricably connected to each other. But if you logically consider life over the span of eons, we all came from dust and we all return to the same dust; our physical beings have been mixing over the centuries. Life passes on and gives birth to new life. As a body decomposes, other beings consume it and enter the food chain. Organic matter is recycled again and again, and we are the product of the actions of our parents and the organic matter they consume and share. Approaching the issue from a strictly scientific perspective, we are all connected.

Spiritually and psychologically, most of us believe, we have free will and the power to choose not to commit acts of violence or even sins, but we also have the power to choose inaction, the power to ignore suffering in another country on the other side of the globe, the power to turn our heads and look the other way when a homeless person holds out her hand. We choose to disregard the suffering of others, and we choose to tolerate the cruelty of others, and in doing so we must accept our complicity in the sins of others.

Thin

Since separating from my former wife, I have lost a fair amount of weight, and I weigh about 145 pounds right now, give or take a pound or two at any given moment. About the most I've ever weighed was 166 pounds, with 155 about my average during my late 30s and early 40s. I'm just over 69 inches tall (5 feet, 9 inches), so taking into account the fact that I'm a man, most would consider me to be fairly thin for an American.

I typically exercise quite a bit, but lately I haven't been because I've had too many other things going on in my life - I'm feeling stretched a little thin. I've managed to avoid gaining weight, but I still feel flabby and sore and less happy, so I know I'll have to make some changes in my life. I'm feeling a little like a rubber band right before it gets shot from your finger: stretched thin and preparing to launch into a new life. Not all good, not all bad, but it is what it is.

“Vacation”

I just returned from my vacation to Texas. I drove 1600-plus miles straight through (with stops to eat and buy fuel) to get there. I made the whole trip in about 27 hours.

My parents were happy to see me. I think I mentioned my dad’s failing health. He’s dying from a series of circumstances and maladies that have left him diabetic, oxygen-starved, and incapable of getting around without an electric chair/scooter and a bottle of oxygen. He hasn’t died yet because he’s always been an extremely tough individual.

My mother is faring better, but her memory is beginning to slip and I see other signs that her health is declining. Still, she is able to exercise and go to the gym (she has a membership at a health club).

My parents have always had an interesting relationship, and it pains me to see them so often frustrated and unhappy in the twilight of their years together. Both parents confided in me the source of their frustration, and it distills down to the fact that each one cares about the other but can’t agree on what is most important in the relationship. My dad wants my mother to stop worrying about so many things and practice patience. My mother wants my dad to be kind to her and plan ahead a little better. The net result is that they often snipe at each other (make mildly derisive comments toward one another) and the resulting pain is tangible. On one occasion, I held my mother while she cried and told me that she tried so hard and couldn’t understand why my dad was so mean. Have I mentioned that his oxygen deprivation is precipitating degenerative brain damage?

About a week into my visit, my brother, who is deeply in debt, has no clue how to get out, and is suffering through his third divorce. He also has anger issues (an explosive temper) and talks incessantly. During his visit, he often became frustrated during his conversations with my dad, and he would abruptly stand up and raise his voice, speaking to my dad in a loud and angry tone. Have I mentioned that my parents funded his trip to Texas? Have I mentioned that they were expecting him for no more than two weeks, and that he invited himself to stay for a month?

In fairness, the image I’ve painted so far depicts my family as a pretty angry, divided family, which is not entirely the case. During my visit, my parents were extremely generous. It is in their very nature to be generous, and they have helped my siblings out to the tune of several thousand U.S. dollars. They have given money freely to their friends and to strangers in need. My parents are wise in many ways, and I still seek their guidance on big issues. Despite their differences, I am absolutely sure that they love each other dearly.

My brother is also a very generous person. I think he has only to come to some very basic understanding of his plight and he will become a true light in this world. Still, I worry about him because he is at a very dangerous crossroad in his life.

All this said, I enjoyed all the activities with my family and also with a dear old friend and her husband. I had a good time in Texas, working out (although I threw out my back and had to lay off for the second week) and spending quality time playing games and having walks and conversations with loved ones. At the end of my visit, I hugged each family member and said farewell. My dad thanked me for all the help I had given him and my mother throughout the visit (little chores, fix-it jobs, etc.). My mother also thanked me, but through tears. I told them to be happy. When I hugged my brother, I told him that I wish him great happiness, and then I made a suggestion that he consider two notions: listening and mindfulness. He began to say something, then caught himself and said, “Well, thank you.” I hope he and I will be able to have more productive conversations in the future.

The drive back was exhausting. I had to stop on the first night because I had promised I wouldn’t drive straight through on the return trip and because Tropical Storm Cindy was bearing down on me and making night driving a more dangerous prospect. The second day was grueling, and I was actually pulled over and issued a speeding ticket in North Carolina. There were also two occasions where traffic had come to a dead halt. The last such interruption in the driving was about 70 miles from my apartment. Two tractor-trailers had collided on the interstate and traffic was halted in both directions for several hours. I ended up dosing off while I waited.

I’m almost recovered from my vacation now. It’s a good thing, too, as I have much to do here. I have to finalize my divorce. I am now engaged to the new woman, and we plan to marry as soon as possible. I am hoping to spend some time with my son. The Navy expects me to do quite a bit of catching up. It’s daunting, but I have help and I know all will be well.

Thank you for all the good years

The last e-mail I received from my (former) wife:

Good afternoon, I wish you the best, and ask for your forgiveness. We all have to move on with our life...
TAKE CARE!!!
Thank you for all the good years!

I will always love her, and I wish her happiness and joy.